High School Shooting

it is Morning
I am late
you had to change
again

anger and frustration
causes an exchange
words
fire back and forth
a struggle 
now inane

inside our driving cocoon
silence ...
only interupted by the
electricity of sullen moods

upon arrival
you are quick
the stifled quiet accented
by the slaming of your door

at work
half-filled mug
in hand and
heart talking loud

I admit I’m tired
over-worked
and less than appreciated
life has become a rush …

a hurry
a busy
inflected with
forced smiles
along with complicated decisions
and often verbal wrestling
the world of me and you

the vibration of my cell
interrupts this morning muse
the LCD panel flashes
the unexpected word
School

racing from the office
rib cage echoing
thuds
the car drives itself
 there is no place left to park

the only sound remembered
is the slamming of my door

I am here to wait
with the many other wait - ers
too

the insignificance of early morning
has now
embraced my soul
only sounds of gunshot
reverberate

and i realize
this truth ...
if only i could once more
hear
the slamming of your door

To Be or Not To Be

I am learning Spanish.  After two short months, I have an understanding of how complex and demanding the process of absorbing the nuances of an additional language is for a person fluent in another tongue (in this case ME).  Yesterday, I studied the verb “to be” with my friend who happens “to be” at least three years ahead of me with his Spanish language development.  After our lesson, I mastered the phrase:  Dime otra vez por favor (Tell me again please).

For a moment, reflect with me about the subject and verb:  I am (estoy).  In Spanish, if I always am, then I should use “soy”.  But, if I will be, I use “estaré” unless I always will be then the choice is “sere”.  If I used to be,  I would say “estaba” unless I always “used to be” then “era” is the proper selection.  These verb tenses complícate further if I am talking about my friend (tu), then I should change “estoy” to “estás”.  But, if I am addressing you (the readers of my blog) the choice is the plural “estais”.   This “is” a minimal presentation that a fluent six year-old could verbally demonstrate for you (vosotros). 

Following the above mentioned study session, I have decided that the next time I "am" annoyed when I call a customer service representative with a technical question (typically from another country and probably bi-lingual in a few languages) instead, I “will be” in awe.

Mai Zetterling: The Uncompromiser

"I want very strongly to do things I believe in.  I can't do jobs for the money, I just can't do it.  I can only do things in my own way and and my own terms."   (Zetterling)

"It takes a lot of strength to break up a life you've been pursuing and start something else from scratch ... Also, I had come to a point in my life where I said no more compromise, thank you, and this makes you feel very strong as well."  (Zetterling)

A Marked Trail

There are not very many of us who can ‘be’ in a moment without dragging the trappings of our past experiences with us.  Often, I am not conscious that there is a story running in my head; beliefs, embedded cultural teachings, childhood, schooling, adult struggles – all occurrences that trace a course to me at any point in time.   

A good visual is the geological phenomenon of moving rocks taking place in Death Valley, California.  Behind the igneous forms are wakes grooved into the clay that map the various routes.  Individual positions have been documented and then after several years, recalculated giving proof of movement tens to hundreds of feet long.  No one has seen the rocks move and furthermore, the energy that caused the trail of motion is still the subject of research.    

Living has altered what I accept as true, there is a history clearly marking my path but the influence or the pressure of each experience even now, is the focus of exploration.

Fatigues

If I listen when human noise is quiet, I can hear what is real.  This parallel world of raindrops, wind, plants, highly organized terrestrial invertebrate, a contented infant … life existing with an industrious demand to push forth with no agenda.    

The natural world is without country or cause.  As the human develops within a culture that we did not select but were born into, our brain seems to close to the broader world and focus on what is offered us.  I wonder if I hid in a darkened cave for weeks with no outside communication, upon walking outside, would the propaganda gap close? After such an enclosure, would my intuition increase when observing the rhapsody play of light, greens and blues as if seeing them fresh … all natural phenomena, would I then know what is right?  Could that experience lift this veil woven with threads of red, white and blue? 

I sometimes feel like I live under a camouflage shroud beneath where an unhealthy ego can breed … insisting: ‘feed me, feed me’ so loudly that the echo magnifies to reverberate with vibrations of horror (bombs and guns and burning flesh) obscuring the legitimate resonance of fresh water, a breeze, a bud, a hive or the pleasant sound of a happy child.

Rock Steady

This past fall, I took a beginning geology class at a local university.  One apparent fact, after the elementary introduction, is that rocks are formed as a result of temperature and pressure.  The only prior knowledge I have of such metamorphosis is demonstrated by placing a water filled ice tray into the freezer. After time,  the transition from liquid to solid is revealed. 

Considering this example of transformation in nature makes sense.  Change for me is a result of internal and external temperature and pressure.  To evoke lasting change, I have to undergo chaos.  From that experience, I can choose to focus on the evolved existence or to allow insecurity to take hold and create dissonance causing further conversion.  I like this fluid explanation … I can be in harmony with the volcanic-like spew of crisis knowing that as a predicament settles down there is a new reality and within this truth, I can be authentic.

Credit is Debt.

When I reflect on the word credit, I understand why using the symbolic plastic card does not immediately flash the message ‘Warning … warning.  Danger!’  to travel on my thought stream and register caution within the brain.  The word evokes an uplifting and harmless connotation. 

“1.)  Belief or confidence in the truth of something.  2.) The reputation of sound character or quality.  3.) A source of honor or distinction.”  *  Why shouldn't I be proud to say:  I have great credit.  But, continuing through the listing, far down, mixed with all of the optimism is 9a: “An arrangement for deferred payment of a loan or purchase.”* 

Credit is Debt.  This knowledge brings to light a negative register of words:  an obligation, a liability, and an offense … something I owe.  Lack.  Debt takes away the choices that I have.  Debt limits the possibility of each day and I have come to a decision:  2012 is my year to not spend more than I make and further, to save.   Taking the necessary action offers boundless potential.  I promise to share at the end of the year the result.

*The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language.  Fourth Edition