In Heart Root there is a scene (178) describing me as a member of an imaginary choir at a moment when the act of belting out a solo verse left me feeling the approval of the other singers; a peak experience. I created this event as a metaphor, an offering of how I felt upon completion of writing. But…we are never complete; that accomplishment, the knowing, was an instant in time.
Yes, there have been solo moments when I felt in sync with the people I interacted with. But, often these pinnacle events will be followed by arduous periods; no matter how enlightened I imagine I’ve become. During these segments, I move forward on faith. There is an old movie I enjoyed with Tom Hanks entitled “Sleepless in Seattle”. When asked how he was dealing with grief, the character portrayed by Hanks replied, “Each morning, I get up and breathe.” We all do this; we get up each morning and breathe ... that is the beginning intent.
Throughout down periods, I know that emotional pain is part of change; intellectualizing does not alter the fact. Adjusting the status quo does hurt. I absolutely cannot hunger for the approval of others. And yet, as if wired into the fabric of my character is the need for the good opinion of others. I know that enjoying the admiration of others can be at the expense of what is right for me.
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