"Nevermore"

I used to believe that I could heal myself when suffering emotional pain.  I thought that if I read enough and disciplined myself that I didn’t need anyone else to repair a damaged psyche.  I do not accept this as true anymore … it is part of the process but the other piece for me will be people.  I have to reach out with total honesty … tell the truth with no self deceit, no justifying or blaming. 

This morning I woke knowing that I am capable of building walls to ward off hurt.  The horror is that if I mentally construct a barrier, I will literally block out life. This action reminds me of the Edgar Allen Poe story “The Cask of Amontillado"    The tale is systematically woven as a man takes revenge on a former friend by burying him alive.  Methodically his persecutor sets brick by brick in place sealing the fate of his screaming captive.

If I choose to erect walls, I will kill any chance for true healing and growth.  I have to feel when I am suffering.  It is real. 

I Find Me in You

Who I am shines back to me from the faces of the people I love. I hope that they will realize who they are when they look at me.  I want to be true and send messages to those I care for.  They are worthy.

A Measure of What is Right

I must act with honesty.  Actions with integrity can be identified because there is no story ... no justification needed; I know it is right and that is enough.

Zion

To initiate this second day of "taking out the trash"(which primarily means cleaning out the false beliefs I have nurtured for years) my companion and I are taking a day trip to Zion National Park.

Contemplating for the rest of life will not provide the answers to "Why am I here? Nor Where did I come from?"   What I can do is choose how I am being.  Today I appreciate natural beauty - in the park, within the heart of the person I am traveling with and inside me.

"Yakety yak (don't talk back)"

Can you imagine what would happen if I did not take out the kitchen trash?  After a few weeks, the smell would be rancid.  The rot would eventually attract unwelcome insects and rodents into my home.  Nasty! 

This is a good analogy for what happens when I do not live in the present moment but instead hang on to the old stories playing in my head.  Replaying these aged experiences reinforce lack.  If I am rehashing life by blaming, comparing, explaining poor choices, judging and rationalizing then I have become an object ... a sack of trash. 

Today is trash day.  I'm cleaning house ... out go the false beliefs.  I'm creating an inner space where a changed heart can flourish. 

"Take out the paper and the trash!"  (Coasters Lyrics)

Hooks are used for Fishing

Today I was reminded that loving someone is purely that ... loving.  Love should not include conditions such as:  if I do this, then you should respond like that.  Authentic affection does not include such expectations but instead is more like this:  I love you and invite you to return this warmth. 

If I choose to give my heart, therein is the joy.  Loving should not include a hook.

Singing the Solo Verse

In Heart Root there is a scene (178) describing me as a member of an imaginary choir at a moment when the act of belting out a solo verse left me feeling the approval of the other singers; a peak experience.  I created this event as a metaphor, an offering of how I felt upon completion of writing.  But…we are never complete; that accomplishment, the knowing, was an instant in time.

Yes, there have been solo moments when I felt in sync with the people I interacted with.  But, often these pinnacle events will be followed by arduous periods; no matter how enlightened I imagine I’ve become.  During these segments, I move forward on faith.  There is an old movie I enjoyed with Tom Hanks entitled “Sleepless in Seattle”.  When asked how he was dealing with grief, the character portrayed by Hanks replied, “Each morning, I get up and breathe.”  We all do this; we get up each morning and breathe ... that is the beginning intent.

Throughout down periods, I know that emotional pain is part of change; intellectualizing does not alter the fact.  Adjusting the status quo does hurt.  I absolutely cannot hunger for the approval of others.  And yet, as if wired into the fabric of my character is the need for the good opinion of others.  I know that enjoying the admiration of others can be at the expense of what is right for me.