There Is A Season

During the early evening yesterday, I walked two miles along side a small lake.   The greens are beginning to blush with the insistence of fall presenting an opulent palate of purple, reds, oranges and yellows. The lowering sun cast a Monet reflection of the tree lined path onto the shallow water’s edge.  I knew that what I was experiencing would last only a short time in comparison to the offering of the rest of the year.  The glorious colors will soon drop from the limbs and drift to the ground becoming dried crunch.  

With the Exception ...

In regard to my last post "The Great Pretender", here is where I take exception to some of what I am learning from C. Terry Warner's book.  Forgiving is one step but more work needs to be done.  People who have been abused are traumatized; their DNA code is altered.  Often they revisit a destructive relationship to figure out what does not work.  Until the adult ego can develop, choices can be harmful. 

When I find myself experiencing the same negative results over and over within a relationship, a red light should flash:  Stop; caution!  Walk away.

Yes, I’m the Great Pretender

What I’ve become rests on my shoulders.  I can have all the facts correct but that does not justify going against my gut of what is right for me.   Being gentle, kindhearted and loving are characteristics that I aspire in order to be true to the deep longings of my heart.  I have failed in this area, and what I have gleaned is fear and resentment.

I vow to yield to the quiet, peace that nature demonstrates in the midst of seemingly avenging storms.  The day still opens fresh; life continues.  Why fight this natural need to be open, generous and welcoming to those I walk in this life with?

Fifteen Tons and What Do You Get?

What is truth?  I weigh this question often, considering experiences I have had.  At different times, I have believed that the truth of a situation is defined.  I no longer accept that erroneous premise.  Truth of a situation, when people are involved, is like looking at the surface of a glimmering mineral through a magnifying glass.  There are many facets.  What I perceive is based on my experience, my knowledge base …  AND this is the same for each person involved (their life experience).   I do not know what I do not know.  In interactions with people, I have to see through their voice, their vocal and body signals to recognize where we are the same:  our humanness.

I have hurt those I love because I am focused on how I feel … I justify my position (and often feel righteous in doing so).  I have thought that I am angry or defensive because of their action.

No, I make myself miserable.  This is like handing them power over me (a magic wand).   Today I want to understand without defending myself.  Perhaps in doing so with an open heart, I will know truth.

Self Betrayal

In The Devils by Dostoyevsky a character, Stavrogin expresses:
"All my life I have been lying.  Even when I told the truth.  For I never told the truth for its own sake, but only for my sake."

The Lies are not Straight but Crooked by Design

I am reading a book by C. Terry Warner: Bonds That Make Us Free Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves.   What I personally perceive as insights from the reading will be shared with you.  What I have discovered is that I participate in situations that are not good for me.  I have blamed circumstances; I have blamed other people’s treatment of me all without taking personally responsibility.  I have created stories in my head to justify my behavior even though these rationalizations go against an internal truth.  I am going to do the work with faith that I can evoke a change of heart.  This is different than “fixing” how I behave.  If reading my blog helps your journey, please take what you can.

Leo Tolstoy’s quote speaks to me:  “there exist false arguments, according to which there would appear to be exceptional circumstances, rendering the sins not only excusable, but even necessary.  These false justifications may be called ‘snares’”.

I have been caught in my own trap.  I am going to complete the self work to change this; I plan to untangle the web that has tightened a noose around my heart.

unraveling

I have a dream catcher made from spun wool.  Each long tassel can be pulled apart without any effort destroying the beautiful design.  This symbol of hope, representative to me of a longing for creativity and love can be a mess in a few careless minutes.