You Can’t Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

 

Losing a library item aggravates me.  Not only for the simple fact that the item must be paid for, but because I know “it”, the illusive cause of frustration, has to be, must be, somewhere.  Inanimate objects do not metamorphose into animated rebellious minions.   I know this even though that subject, minions – loyal servants to a powerful being, who are recruited in a plot to take over the world, is the theme of the lost DVD. 

Several defensive thoughts came to mind when I read the library email notice informing me that there was no disc in the returned plastic case. No DVD?  I had watched from my car as my grandson opened the metal door and dropped it into the return bin.  I had put the DVD inside the container myself … hadn’t I? Yes, of course I had.

Outside the neighbor’s dog barked pulling me away from the computer.   At the front door, his entire body quivering in anticipation, was George on his daily round for a doggie treat.  I am not proud that at that moment, I considered the black French bulldog and the vindication “the dog ate my homework” came to mind.  Going to the library and blaming the dog – this was not my dog – even if I had a dog, the fact that the idea popped into consciousness was unsettling.   Really Susan?  I offered the treat to the sweet little furry visitor and followed this action with the admonition, “Now, go home George.”  As I shut the door, I recalled that once my grandson’s dog literally ate his homework.  And, telling his teacher did not save him.  What was up with these childish thoughts?  There are no library police. 

Even though from time to time I revert to illogical reasoning, there are certain truths that living has made clear.  The Velveteen Rabbit did not become real.  If I kiss a frog, it will not croak into a prince.   There are not vampires that bite.  (Yes, there are people who would like to suck the blood out of me, but that is another story.)  And, a DVD does not walk away.

There is a magic mirror in grandma”dom” (dom as in kingdom not as in dumber and dumber).  And this sage reflection told me that I would find the movie if I slowed down and retraced the trail of the DVD.

 Okay, forget the slowdown part, my search was frantic.  A where the hell did it go kind of search ensued.   First, I pummeled through the car, the trunk, under the seats… yes, I mean thrashed, a definitive neurotic kind of searching.  In my mind’s eye, I could see the disc being put into the plastic holder.  The case must’ve opened when dropped into the bin.  That was it; the movie was loose in the bottom of the outdoor return receptacle. 

Back at the library, I am proud to report that wisdom of age did keep my behavior in check.  By my age, the basket of miscalculations and personal screw-ups is overflowing.  (My culprit cup runneth over is clearly an understatement.)  So, at the checkout/return counter, I politely asked if perhaps the DVD was discovered loose in the outdoor receptacle.  Why no, if it was, we would have seen it.  I refrained from asking to check the bin myself.  (Yes, I wanted to.)  I did scrutinize the movie section, this effort produced two DVD’s.  Perhaps the Shelver put my DVD in the wrong case?  Why I thought that a duplicate case with the same title could miraculously store the lost disc is beyond explanation. 

“We would not have put two discs in the same container,” the desk assistant politely clarified.

Still she unlocked the cases and showed me (with a little more flourish than I deemed necessary) that I was wrong.  As she clicked the plastic shut, she kindly suggested that perhaps my grandson had slipped it under the couch because he wanted to watch it again?  That had happened to her … or so she said.  Or, could it have been put away with my personal DVD’s?  I was getting annoyed with this happiness and kindness.   Surely, she was not suggesting that my grandchild would hide the DVD?  I shared that I had looked everywhere.  She continued explaining very sweetly that if I could not find the DVD the cost was $22. 

“If I find it cheaper on Amazon, could I purchase and donate to the library?” 

For a variety of reasons, the answer to this was: No. 

Okay, I’m admitting that $22 was enough to make me pause. What is the cut-off mark?  If she had said $9.99 or $12.55?   If those amounts had been uttered, would I have pulled out my change purse?  At any rate, $22 was enough to inspire me to renew the lost item.  I handed her the empty case.  “Oh, no.  We can’t take a case with nothing in it.  You have to keep that.”  She slid it back toward me.  “The movie needs to be returned in it.”

Back at home, I was like a dog on a bone (or homework), I would not let the loss go.  $22.00 was twenty rentals from the RedBox, an eyebrow wax, lunch out with friends, a fairly decent bottle of wine.  For me, there was a lot at stake including my integrity as a former librarian – which I did not admit to the counter clerk.  And, I should be applauded for biting my tongue when she declared the impossibility of cataloguing a cheaper item found on Amazon.  Yes, of course an item can be processed by hand entry … whatever, I was well behaved and kept the information to myself.

Oh, please! I scolded myself … it is only a movie, but an obsessive compulsive nature had over taken grandma wisdom like a past lover or a straightjacket … hmmm, interesting comparison.    I re-searched the car, the DVD collection at home, and the couch sporadically throughout that day until the setting sun enhanced the horizon with a copper glow. 

Finally, I resolved to pay the money.  I did deliberate if I could make installments … a couple of bucks a week would lessen the mistake.  Or would it draw it out?  Enough foolishness; just add this to the blunder pile and move on.   Losing a DVD does not even nudge the measurement needle in comparison to other personal slip-ups.  Get over yourself and pay. 

On my “To Do List” stop at library was noted.

I slept well.

This morning, I was folding a blanket that I had swaddled around me while watching Lady Hawk – a movie in which the characters did metamorph - when a glint of silver shimmered beneath edge of the couch.  This gleaming curve contrasted against the carpet bringing me to my knees to retrieve.  Are you kidding me?  I was sure that I had looked in that same place at least five times. 

Okay, I give.  Bite me Baby!  Let me kiss a frog.  Yes, a stuffed rabbit lives in my hometown. 
And, that she, is going to the library this morning for her $22.00 refund.

Surely, a certain sweet, little minion would not have slipped the DVD under the couch?  Hmmm.  

As I adjusted the driver’s side mirror, the image of George lifting his back leg on my rear tire stopped me from starting the car.  This is how I am repaid for your daily treat?

I opened the car door.  “Go home George!”  He vigorously shook his muscular rump and scurried away.

As I watched him leap to the safety of his own yard, and truly he hops like a jack rabbit, I had to consider my $22.  Is it too early to buy a bottle of wine? 

Here is a final grandma truth:  It is definitely five o’clock somewhere!