Yes, I’m the Great Pretender

What I’ve become rests on my shoulders.  I can have all the facts correct but that does not justify going against my gut of what is right for me.   Being gentle, kindhearted and loving are characteristics that I aspire in order to be true to the deep longings of my heart.  I have failed in this area, and what I have gleaned is fear and resentment.

I vow to yield to the quiet, peace that nature demonstrates in the midst of seemingly avenging storms.  The day still opens fresh; life continues.  Why fight this natural need to be open, generous and welcoming to those I walk in this life with?

Fifteen Tons and What Do You Get?

What is truth?  I weigh this question often, considering experiences I have had.  At different times, I have believed that the truth of a situation is defined.  I no longer accept that erroneous premise.  Truth of a situation, when people are involved, is like looking at the surface of a glimmering mineral through a magnifying glass.  There are many facets.  What I perceive is based on my experience, my knowledge base …  AND this is the same for each person involved (their life experience).   I do not know what I do not know.  In interactions with people, I have to see through their voice, their vocal and body signals to recognize where we are the same:  our humanness.

I have hurt those I love because I am focused on how I feel … I justify my position (and often feel righteous in doing so).  I have thought that I am angry or defensive because of their action.

No, I make myself miserable.  This is like handing them power over me (a magic wand).   Today I want to understand without defending myself.  Perhaps in doing so with an open heart, I will know truth.

Self Betrayal

In The Devils by Dostoyevsky a character, Stavrogin expresses:
"All my life I have been lying.  Even when I told the truth.  For I never told the truth for its own sake, but only for my sake."

The Lies are not Straight but Crooked by Design

I am reading a book by C. Terry Warner: Bonds That Make Us Free Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves.   What I personally perceive as insights from the reading will be shared with you.  What I have discovered is that I participate in situations that are not good for me.  I have blamed circumstances; I have blamed other people’s treatment of me all without taking personally responsibility.  I have created stories in my head to justify my behavior even though these rationalizations go against an internal truth.  I am going to do the work with faith that I can evoke a change of heart.  This is different than “fixing” how I behave.  If reading my blog helps your journey, please take what you can.

Leo Tolstoy’s quote speaks to me:  “there exist false arguments, according to which there would appear to be exceptional circumstances, rendering the sins not only excusable, but even necessary.  These false justifications may be called ‘snares’”.

I have been caught in my own trap.  I am going to complete the self work to change this; I plan to untangle the web that has tightened a noose around my heart.

unraveling

I have a dream catcher made from spun wool.  Each long tassel can be pulled apart without any effort destroying the beautiful design.  This symbol of hope, representative to me of a longing for creativity and love can be a mess in a few careless minutes.