Chess

I am learning to play chess.  This game is new to me but I love that I am starting from the beginning with no prior knowledge.  My friend is quite good allowing me the benefit of living with a person capable of coaching.  I have armed myself with a  book appropriate for an apprentice along with a computer simulated game that accommodates the novice player.

Why chess?  Chess seems to be thoughtful and challenging but at the same time, a game that is not complex to the point that I have to be a master to enjoy.  We will see : )  Yesterday I began by reading the rules of the game.  After describing the board arrangement the first rule presented is the "touch-move rule".  This means that once I move a piece and release it, I cannot change my mind.  This is a terrific life lesson; I cannot take back my childhood; I cannot take back life experiences and personal mistakes but I can learn to improve in the future within important relationships.  I want to be considerate; I want those people in life to be better for knowing me.  I have a long way to go.  I believe chess will be fun and be a help toward personal growth.  To play chess, I have to think first.

Balance

Our emotional balance is a web of life experience.  There is no getting around this.  It is important to cut the people you care about slack … loving the person with their imperfections may sometimes prove difficult.  I have often been taken by surprise with the child voice that rears up inside of me; blatantly questioning if I am worthy.  I can only hope that the people I love will forgive me for my insecurity.  They have their own mesh and struggle too.  I am ashamed when I cannot see a bigger life picture.

Silence is Golden

There are few people with whom I discuss personal life issues - too many folks offer simplistic answers that barely make an iota of sense to my way of thinking.  People are well meaning but I am the one who has to live what is going on inside my heart and mind. 

Creation

I admire potters and often watch individual artists practice their craft.  When a ceramist is not satisfied with the final form, the clay is squashed down – more water applied and then the project begins again.  The final piece can be completely different from the original intent ... spirit takes over and what evolves is part design with the element of mystery.

New Direction

By the end of Heart Root: A Memoir, the reader had an understanding of my belief that everything … every action, every reaction is connected.  Learning that lesson, knowing that I am not disconnected has not made life easier.  The uplifting moment in “Finale” (177), the scene based on the movie “Sister Act”, when I stepped forward as the solo voice in Whoopi Goldberg’s imaginary choir of women was meant to describe an intuitive leap… an aha moment for me ... a building of courage to live.  The realization that I am interrelated (integral) with all life was a time of strength and a way to explain how I planned to survive.  It was a nice spot, a neat ending … me stepping forward to belt out my personal song but, I couldn’t stay there.  The writing was an endeavor, a striving to make sense; an attempt to rid myself of the depression that smothered my creative voice.  Why was I surprised when life immediately began to spiral in a new direction? 

There is power in beginning

A woman I met on an airplane sent me this W.H. Murray quote taken from his work:  The
Scottish Himalayan Expedition (1951). 

“... but when I said that nothing had been done I erred in one important matter. We had definitely committed ourselves and were halfway out of our ruts. We had put down our passage money— booked a sailing to Bombay. This may sound too simple, but is great in consequence. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”

Mirage


As a child, I watched a movie in which the character was lost in a desert.  There was no sign of life and of course, no water.   Suddenly in the distance, the person saw an oasis complete with trees and a stream. The parched defeated character raced toward the mirage only to be bitterly disappointed by the optical illusion.  

http://www.theworldinlight.com/

There are times in life when I have deluded myself only to realize that what I had imagined is simply that ... a fantasy.



Indian Spring is not a mirage but a cold spring in the Nevada desert area.   As I dipped my face in to refresh, I discovered four 9 inch gold fish!  Someone thought they needed a larger fish bowl?

Starting Over ... or, adding on.

Do I have the ability to recognize raw integrity? 

Recently, I read a biography – the author said he was presented with a choice to return to life as it had been or design a new life – he began anew. 

Releasing (Excerpt from new book.)

Yesterday I sat on the floor with a twisted collection of jewelry in my lap that I had carelessly stored together in a small silk satchel.  I had put my attention on untangling a necklace composed of three strands of water pearls.  Each bead was strung on a plastic filament line and then knotted on either side of the pearl to keep it in place – the string was thin and translucent giving the impression that the water pearls, when worn, rest and encircle the wearer’s throat without being held together by anything...invisible at first glance.   Of course, on closer study, an observer will see the connecting thread … this delicate in appearance choker had been thrown in with several other necklaces and had managed to become twisted and tied to other chains carelessly stored in the cloth bag.  I had to slow down throughout the process of untangling … when I hurried; I seemed to make matters worse.  Momentarily, I wanted to throw the entire jeweled mess back in the jewelry box. 

As I worked with the entangled mess, I occurred to me that I had the potential to become entrapped in contradictions.  Like releasing the necklace, in life I had to slow down; forging ahead only caused more chaos. With measured determination, I sat back leaning into the strength of my arms as they balanced body weight.  Chaos always precedes change … turmoil before the calm.  Taking a cleansing breath, I began again methodically working every line free.  Finally, the necklace unraveled.  After clasping around my neck, I stood before the mirror appreciating that it is possible to reclaim what is important in life … certainly not this necklace, but there was the lingering knowing within me as I observed the graceful beauty of the straightened out strands, that I had a chance for happiness.

Canals of Amsterdam



http://www.theworldinlight.com/



Three days ago, while walking along the canals in Amsterdam, I remembered reading a children’s novel Hans Brinker, or The Silver Skates.  Within the narrative there is a tale of a Dutch boy who saved his country by putting his finger in a leaking dike.  The fable goes that the boy stayed through a bitter cold night until he was found the next morning by the people of his village.  I was surprised to learn that this is an American tale not widely known in Holland … the American author Mary Mapes Dodge wrote the story in 1865.

Jet Lag

I am waiting in Salt Lake City, Utah for my third connecting flight.   Twenty-one hours and counting in accrued travel time today ... or is it tomorrow?

A Whirlwind Approach to Amsterdam

Having only three days in Amsterdam has become a whirlwind tour.  I am visiting the absolutely remarkable, unique city built on canals and staying in a small apartment in the Jordaan area.  There is much to share but I have a plane to catch, six hours to lose, and family to greet.

Rembrandt

Yesterday Rembrandt and I shared the exquisiteness of inspiration together at the Musée du Louvre in Paris.  My role as viewer was simply to open my eyes and heart to the large canvas framed in gilded gold.  I sat down on the leather padded bench in awe; I was observing a Rembrandt!  The artist reached to me across the centuries filling me with a sense of knowing beauty.  His painting Bathsheba at her Bath features a female different from the almost anorexic body that is shoved down my throat in print ... the starlets of contemporary times.  David's queen was not a hard body, her curves were many ... she is a masterpiece.