"Nevermore"

I used to believe that I could heal myself when suffering emotional pain.  I thought that if I read enough and disciplined myself that I didn’t need anyone else to repair a damaged psyche.  I do not accept this as true anymore … it is part of the process but the other piece for me will be people.  I have to reach out with total honesty … tell the truth with no self deceit, no justifying or blaming. 

This morning I woke knowing that I am capable of building walls to ward off hurt.  The horror is that if I mentally construct a barrier, I will literally block out life. This action reminds me of the Edgar Allen Poe story “The Cask of Amontillado"    The tale is systematically woven as a man takes revenge on a former friend by burying him alive.  Methodically his persecutor sets brick by brick in place sealing the fate of his screaming captive.

If I choose to erect walls, I will kill any chance for true healing and growth.  I have to feel when I am suffering.  It is real. 

I Find Me in You

Who I am shines back to me from the faces of the people I love. I hope that they will realize who they are when they look at me.  I want to be true and send messages to those I care for.  They are worthy.

A Measure of What is Right

I must act with honesty.  Actions with integrity can be identified because there is no story ... no justification needed; I know it is right and that is enough.

Zion

To initiate this second day of "taking out the trash"(which primarily means cleaning out the false beliefs I have nurtured for years) my companion and I are taking a day trip to Zion National Park.

Contemplating for the rest of life will not provide the answers to "Why am I here? Nor Where did I come from?"   What I can do is choose how I am being.  Today I appreciate natural beauty - in the park, within the heart of the person I am traveling with and inside me.

"Yakety yak (don't talk back)"

Can you imagine what would happen if I did not take out the kitchen trash?  After a few weeks, the smell would be rancid.  The rot would eventually attract unwelcome insects and rodents into my home.  Nasty! 

This is a good analogy for what happens when I do not live in the present moment but instead hang on to the old stories playing in my head.  Replaying these aged experiences reinforce lack.  If I am rehashing life by blaming, comparing, explaining poor choices, judging and rationalizing then I have become an object ... a sack of trash. 

Today is trash day.  I'm cleaning house ... out go the false beliefs.  I'm creating an inner space where a changed heart can flourish. 

"Take out the paper and the trash!"  (Coasters Lyrics)

Hooks are used for Fishing

Today I was reminded that loving someone is purely that ... loving.  Love should not include conditions such as:  if I do this, then you should respond like that.  Authentic affection does not include such expectations but instead is more like this:  I love you and invite you to return this warmth. 

If I choose to give my heart, therein is the joy.  Loving should not include a hook.

Singing the Solo Verse

In Heart Root there is a scene (178) describing me as a member of an imaginary choir at a moment when the act of belting out a solo verse left me feeling the approval of the other singers; a peak experience.  I created this event as a metaphor, an offering of how I felt upon completion of writing.  But…we are never complete; that accomplishment, the knowing, was an instant in time.

Yes, there have been solo moments when I felt in sync with the people I interacted with.  But, often these pinnacle events will be followed by arduous periods; no matter how enlightened I imagine I’ve become.  During these segments, I move forward on faith.  There is an old movie I enjoyed with Tom Hanks entitled “Sleepless in Seattle”.  When asked how he was dealing with grief, the character portrayed by Hanks replied, “Each morning, I get up and breathe.”  We all do this; we get up each morning and breathe ... that is the beginning intent.

Throughout down periods, I know that emotional pain is part of change; intellectualizing does not alter the fact.  Adjusting the status quo does hurt.  I absolutely cannot hunger for the approval of others.  And yet, as if wired into the fabric of my character is the need for the good opinion of others.  I know that enjoying the admiration of others can be at the expense of what is right for me.

If the Shoe Fits

I do not want to wear society’s cloak … to do so is like putting on another person’s clothes.  That act of donning is in direct contrast to Henry David Thoreau’s (Walden) comment on wearing his clothes long enough that the fabric recognizes the shape of his bended knee.  In an abstract way, taking Thoreau’s advice is to be comfortable in my own skin.  I have to feel confident with standards that make up the value system I elect to live by.  There is a lot that is wrong in our world.  The questioning in my heart is part of my search for harmony within the culture I reside. 

I recognize that I live in a condensed space with other people.  I want to be a team player but often I feel like an outsider, an intruder within my own country.   If I voice my concerns, then I can be lambasted.  It is impossible to accept principles on how to live life from those part of the status quo when I recognize that the people screaming the loudest are NOT happy. 

A little Bird told Me

Upon reflection, life altering experiences do not immediately change me … there is not an instantaneous event and BOOM … a moment of being wherein a behavior transforms into a revolutionized better me.  No … not that way at all. 

Transformation is defined as the act or instance of transforming; this definition does not explain how change happens for me.   Let me use a project to illustrate this point.  In the backyard, we are designing a path extending from the patio to a very small pool of water located in the far corner.   While taking hikes through mountainous area of Utah, we have collected a variety of medium, flat stones, all different shapes. Once positioned in place, the diverse forms build on each other to fashion the walkway.  To date, this work is not complete because we enjoy the search and are not in a rush. 

Transition for me is like the path I am helping to construct.  Each day is composed of diverse events that link to past occurrence.  I keep fitting the pieces together.  With time, I will synthesize what I have learned (or refused to learn) and perhaps overcome a negative trait.  One day, I’ll turn backwards in review and admire the effort, no matter how difficult, because these actions were needed to develop. 

Outside the door wall, the curved footpath is almost complete; it is beautiful and unique.  Small birds lightly peck at seeds strewn over the surface.  I can imagine them saying to their flock, “Hey, check this out.  There is something new developing here.”   

Bread and life are forgiving.

For those interested, the bread was forgiving of my mistakes ... delicious.

Bread

Today I am baking bread ... as I am writing to you, the dough is rising.  After kneading the dough to a consistency that felt correct, I plopped the mixture into a glass bowl, covered with plastic wrap before setting in the oven to encourage the combined ingredients to increase in size.  In one hour I am to punch the expanded blob down, split in half and then form two separate loaves.  The reshaped dough will also have to rise. 

Since I do not have a mixer, I decided to prepare the dough using my hands.  Five minutes ago, after rereading the last recipe, I noticed a small notation at the end of the third sheet of instructions where the author noted that if I were to make the dough without a mixer, the yeast should be activated first in warm water.   Ugh… hopefully my bread dough can adapt.  From where I am seated, the mixture looks doubled in size.  I question the second punching down; why not simply bake this original impressive mound? 

There are important phases in the process when the dough has to rest before swelling again. It occurs to me that life is like this ... we make mistakes, we rise; we are punched down only to rise again.  Expanding is important if we want to produce an impressive loaf of bread.  Learning and developing is imperative for me to develop into a better person.    

I believe I am at the second rising stage, trying to get it right (already making mistakes).   As for the bread, I'll let you know if I was able to produce a proper loaf.

A Sympathetic String

There is a harmonic phenomenon in music called sympathetic resonance.  This occurrence happens, for example, when an untouched string produces a sound in response to an external vibration.  The string quivers in reply to the chorded note without being touched.  In ancient times this sympathetic resonance was revered by musicians as magical … a mystery.  Relationships are like that; in the presence of a person who excites us, ignites our thought and captures our heart, our body cues are rich.   We feel significant … special. We all know this happens – there is a person who can turn on all of our hidden lights.

Truth

My body does not deny truth; I must be aware of these feelings to know what is real.  Case in point, I can tell you that I am not hungry.  As you look at me, you can not envision that I have not eaten in two days.  The gnawing craving for food that clamors for attention internally is invisible.  I can even tell myself that I am satisfied.  But, I contend that if I am in a kitchen smelling the aroma from a baking loaf of bread, I will involuntarily salivate with the want of food.  (You can not see this either unless I totally lose control and drool.)  What I am trying to say is that self denial of what I need can backfire; on the inside subconsciously each of us have necessary requirements that are fundamental.  I want to pay attention to these cues - there is authenticity within the signals of my body that are essential to address for self actualization to have a chance.

Relationship

Conversation between two caring adults can act as a laser beam in a spectrometer; each voice echos back an answer off the concave mirrors housed in the ends ... our brain and our heart respond.  One word leads to another; parallel actions develop into a tunnel of light, actions adhere forming a thick band until there is a bond ... a relationship.  Hopefully, the people involved will understand that their discourse can be as fragile as it can be strong ... when a connection manifests it is special and should be cherished.