P.S. What Do Women Want?

Each morning I sit with a cup of coffee in a location where I can enjoy watching the birds feed on the oiled sunflower seeds that I put out.  It doesn’t take much observation to understand that within the species of birds, there are defined roles for the male and the female.  They know instinctively their place.  Humans are more complicated and I believe confused with gender roles.

Let me share an example.  Yesterday I was sitting next to one of my grandsons in the bleachers at a baseball game.  In my peripheral vision I saw a man approaching and all though quite a distance away, I recognized a friend.  I commented to my grandson that he was probably coming over to greet us and that it was the right thing to do to extend his right hand and say hello when greeting another male.  I explained that it was an action that was appropriate much like opening doors for women.  These actions are polite and respectable for a man to do.  He took this information in stride and when my friend arrived he put his hand out and said hello. 

Later, a man (about 45) seated next to my grandson – a stranger – commented, “I am glad to hear you say that … that a man should be opening doors for women.  I tell my son that too.”

Reflecting on that event this morning as I view the bird couples, I realize in my world the roles of men and women are often a mystery.   I believe that emotionally a female has a spot in her heart that longs for a strong male, one who not only sexually pleases her but one who supports her emotionally.   Of course, she should exhibit the same qualities and behavior toward him … she sexually pleases him, she demonstrates respect towards him and considers him her best friend.  The exception between a man and a woman is that he is the protector.  The upper body strength of the male is in most cases, designed to be stronger than a female.  This is a physiological fact.  He is intended to be the defender of his family.

I know that growing up without a father and also during the tumultuous 60’s and 70’s have contributed to my not having this baseline information established in my psyche.   I have observed that a lot of men and women aside from me also seem baffled about the importance of a strong man in their life.

There is a scene in the movie 'PS I love You' that makes me laugh.  Daniel (Harry Connick Jr.) is having a conversation with Holly (Hillary Swank) in a bar.  He asks her out and she gently turns him down.  He turns to leave and then abruptly turns back to her and blurts out:

Daniel:  I don’t mean to throw this at you from left field, but what do women want?  I mean, I can’t figure it out.  They want us to ask; they don’t want us to ask; they want us to make a move, not make a move.  They want us to be on bottom; they want us to be on top.  Use hair products, don’t use hair products.  What do you people want?

Holly:  I’ll tell you.  But, you have to promise not to say I told you.

Daniel:  I… I swear.

Holly:  Because it’s a sacred secret.

Daniel:  A sacred secret.

Holly:  You ready?

Daniel:  Yeah.  (He leans in close to her.)

Holly:  You sure?

Daniel:  I think so.

Holly:  (whispering)  We have absolutely no idea what we want.

Daniel:  I knew it!

A funny scene but, I believe, inaccurate.  Instinctively, unlike this movie dialogue, both sexes know what they want in a committed relationship. I want my grandsons to know what I believe a woman wants and admires. 

As I watch the Cardinals at the bird feeder, I have been given a visual confirmation of the explicate role that I admire in a male.  He is bright red compared to her equally beautiful but subdued coloring of tan with red in her wings, tail, and crest.  The male bird is always there with her, sometimes on the tree branch above but he is watching out for her.  If another bird seems to be a threat, he immediately flies to her.  He is territorial ... her protector.  I have never seen a male bird attacking his mate ... not ever.  I have never seen her attacking him ... never.

To my way of thinking, the human world is all upside down and topsy-turvy.  Neither men nor women know their role.  Being the stronger does not mean the man should demean his mate nor should woman put down her man.  From my experience, a woman wants a faithful lover, champion and best friend.

Our natural instinctive need for sex has been fueled by the media to a point where this powerful energy has been used against us.  We want sexual intimacy without reflecting on the ability of the person we partner with to cherish us and likewise, for the female to be able to respect and cherish the man.  If that is not happening before marriage, I have never witnessed a couple changing.  They are both disappointed - either openly or secretively. 

If only we could clear out our past experiences and media promoted confusion to enjoy femininity and maleness as nature intended.  The birds seem to have this right.  Little boys also seem to instinctively know this ... I'd like my grandchildren keep this truth.  Perhaps with understanding their role, they can select a mate and together create joy.